Lilibet Fairycakes in her Adventures in Celebology

It is official, Angelina is with child.

2006-01-11T04:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it was official right from the beginning, but now that Angelina, or her reps, have spilled the news to People magazine, it is officially known to the public.

I'm surprised at all the articles asking, "Will the most beautiful woman and the most handsome man on the face of the earth who ever lived in the history of all time have the most beautiful baby ever?" Well, of course the parents and grandparents will think so, and that's all to whom that really should matter.

As for me, I'm hoping that the mother will have a safe and easy pregnancy and the baby will be born healthy.

Swank-Lowe to separate.

2006-01-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

I am totally saddened to learn that Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are planning to separate. They made such a cute couple, even though she could totally beat him up.

So far a divorce isn't being talked about (publicly). Hilary's manager released a statement saying, "Hilary and Chad have decided to separate, but they are hopeful they'll be able to get through this tough time." Which could mean anything, really.

Is Katie Holmes rethinking her engagement?

2006-01-05T01:58:00.000-08:00

Rumours run rampant that Katie Holmes is torn between her family and Tom. Supposedly, her family members strongly dislike Tom and are angry about the whole baby-before-marriage thing -- which pretty much means they are peeved about the whole baby thing as they really didn't want her to marry him at all.

According to people who claim to be in the know, Katie is rethinking the relationship and marriage. It is claimed that she and Tom are drifting apart as they get to know each other better.

Meanwhile, the creative wags in cyberspace have been contemplating the coming of the baby:

See the TomKat Baby From Outer Space!

Angelina's Peyton Place

2006-01-04T02:20:00.000-08:00

Angelina Jolie is a beautiful woman. She reminds me of the earthy sensuality of a young Sophia Loren.

May she age just as well.

The trouble is that I don't know exactly what to think of Ms. Jolie.

Is she the humanitarian who has adopted two adorable orphaned children and rescued them from lives of poverty? Is she the person who has troubled interpersonal relationships with men and is feuding with her own father? Is she the monogomous wife who refuses to cheat on her spouse? Is she the twice married homewrecker who seemingly has no inhibitions against sleeping with other women's fiances or husbands? Is she an ambassador for the United Nations who lobbies for finances and support to be sent to impoverished areas? Is she an eccentric who carved her first husband's name into her own flesh during the marriage ceremony, had tattooed her second husband's name somewhere on her body, and comes complete with her own electric chair and blood vial?

How much of that is true and how much is smoke blown up the press's collective arse? I suspect that much of what is printed about Ms. Jolie is true. Some of it is hyperbole. Some is speculation.

Can anyone truly be completely summed up with so few sentences?

There are many rumours and stories swirling around Ms. Jolie at this time:

She and Brad Pitt are engaged.
She is balking at marrying Mr. Pitt.
She is pregnant.
She is not pregnant.
She called Jennifer Aniston and told her that she was pregnant.
She intercepted a call from Ms. Aniston and told her she was pregnant.
Mr. Pitt is adopting her children.
Mr. Pitt's adoption of the children is endangered by his criminal record of mooning in public.

Whew! When does she have time for her humanitarian activities?

The press surrounding the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt relationship, following his separation and divorce from Jennifer Aniston, has been saturating the nation's tabloid headlines for nearly a year now. Although, there was speculation of an intimacy even prior to that.

Has there been any such soap opera triangle since sexy Elizabeth Taylor took Eddie Fisher from America's Sweetheart, Debbie Reynolds? Not counting, of course, when sexy Angelina Jolie married crazy Billy Bob Thornton while his fiance Laura Dern was working out of town.

I find it a bit difficult to reconcile my feelings for the incongruous aspects of Angelina Jolie. While I greatly admire the caring, humanitarian side, I am concerned about the seemingly destructive side of her personality. I would like to see the former strengthen as it seems to bring her more satisfaction and might help her achieve greater happiness and inner peace.

Celebology

2006-01-03T00:35:00.000-08:00

Celebology (Suh-leb-ah-low-gee)
n.

1. The scientific study of the origin and the behavior of famous people.

2. The scientific study of the social and cultural influences that make a person desire fame.

3. The classification of famous people into those who seek out fame for fame's sake and those for whom fame is a by-product of their sucess in their chosen feild.

4. Gossip.

Celebologist (Suh-leb-ah-low-jist)
n.

1. One who studies celebology.

2. Gossip.

Tom Cruise wins Fairy poll for most insane celeb of 2005

2006-01-02T02:31:00.000-08:00

In a landside vote of one vote to zero for all other celebrities, Tom Cruise wins Fairy poll for most insane celeb of 2005. Ok, so I'm the only Fairy who voted, but Fairies generally don't give flying ladybug spit about humans or their foibles.

Let's look at Tom Cruise's year to see just how he earned this honour*:

Fires excellent publicist, Pat Kingsley, who has kept Tom and bad press far apart for years, if not decades.
Hires Scientologist sister, Lee Anne De Vette, who has no experience in PR, as publicist.
Invites executives involved in distributing his movie, The War of the Worlds, on a four-hour tour of three Scientology facilities in Los Angeles.
Reportedly, auditions several starlets for "girlfriend" position.
Has Katie Holmes delivered to him on a litter carried by Scientologist room service lackeys.
Reportedly, Scarlett Johansson drops out of "Mission: Impossible III" after being proselytized for hours and encouraged a visit to the Scientology center.
Announces love for Katie by bouncing on Oprah's couch and pumping fists.
Embarrasses mother who always told him not to jump on the furniture.
Actions force publicist sister to admit, "Yes, he was raised in a barn."
Knocks up Katie.
Has conniption over practical joke involving microphone and water.
Shocked to discover that water, in fact, does not cause him to melt.
Denounces Wizard of Oz for perpetrating myth that water causes melting.
Gets engaged to Katie at Eiffel Tower.
Denounces Eiffel Tower as a giant phallic symbol that is degrading to people of short stature.
Attacks Brooke Shields for taking anti-depressants for post-partum depression.
Suggests that vitamins and exercise will solve the psychological problems of everyone.
Denounces psychiatric community.
Accuses Matt Lauer of being "glib" for suggesting that meds might help some people.
Declares himself expert on mental health.
Insists no turkey basters were involved in impregnating Katie.
Encourages Katie to undergo Scientology suggested "silent birth."
Buys sonogram machine to stalk fetus.
Fires sister and hires expert, Paul Bloch, as publicist, not sister.

In a year where one manages to beat out Russell Crowe, Lindsey Lohan, Crispin Glover, Michael Jackson, and Andy Dick for nuttiest celebrity, that's quite a feat!

* editor's note: This is not an exact timeline. Please do not use it as the basis of any school reports or any fact based items for work.

Adventures in celebrity watching

2006-01-01T01:47:00.000-08:00

In the year since my unfortunate exile from my father's kingdom, I have had my first extensive opportunity to really observe the human species. I've traveled the world, residing in gardens and parks, where I can unobtrusively watch them in their native habitat.

By far, though, the group of humans that I find most interesting is the group known as "celebrities" (Homo celebrius). Unlike most groups of humans, H. celebrius actually enjoys being observed. In fact, they seem to wilt when not being under the gaze of dedicated researchers such as myself.

Because of this, I've set up house in a luxurious garden in the environs of Greater Los Angeles. My unknowing landlord is a wildly successful "producer" and his wife is a great reader of what he calls "that damn trashy tabloid crap." Due to this, I'm able to keep careful track of H. celebrius and their various shenanigans.